Mortality Meditation

The older I get, the more I seem to consider the end of my journeys around old Sol, especially when I go to bed. I sometimes wonder if I’ll wake in the morning. This is not every night, but seems more frequent as I continue to age. It’s not that I have a fear of not waking, it’s morbid(?)-curiosity. I wonder if I’ll know which morning I won’t wake up, that is, if my brain quits in my sleep.

It’s been said that sleeping is practice for dying. In deep sleep, I’m aware of nothing. When I wake, it seems that little or no time has passed since I lay down. I truly expect that if the end comes in my sleep, the experience of my deep sleep will be the same as death. Though I might awaken for that experience, my ending… I wonder.

Of course, the situation would be different if I came to my end due to an accident or intentional termination … however it’s brought about. Perhaps brief and/or extreme pain ending in my deep sleep-like conscious-lessness.

I’m very healthy, no physical or terminal illnesses that I’m aware of short of ‘life’ itself. Sure, there could be something going on that will catch up with me when I least expect it, but nothing that looks imminent. So, why do I periodically wonder if I’m going to wake up in the morning? Statistics, mortuary tables, watching and/or hearing about the decline of so many others of my age?

–LE – 5/8/24