This account is the result of one of my journal prompts to tell a story that I haven’t previously but want to remember.

Critical Shiai

Back in ’65, I was participating in a local shiai. There were 2 or 3 clubs participating. The shiai (matches) were being held in our club dojo at the YMCA. At the time, I only held the class of Yonkyu (4th class green-belt). Our shiai matched opponents by weight rather than rank. Three clubs participated. There were only 4 of us from my club. My club-mates were in different weight divisions than me.

I ultimately competed in 3 matches. Having won all three, I took first place in my weight division. One of my opponents was of the same rank as me. The other two were higher. One was an Ikkyu (1st class brown-belt – highest of the brown-belt classes, I barely won that one, went the full 3 minutes, and I won by a decision of the judges — two plus the ref), and the third match was with a Nikyu (2nd class brown-belt). I caught him with Uchi Mata (inner thigh throw). I caught him completely by surprise and with so much force that we both flipped in the air, and I landed on top of him in a pinning position. But the pin was unnecessary as the referee awarded me an Ippon (one point) and the win (it only takes one point to win in Judo, but that point is usually pretty hard to get).

Yes, I was pleased with myself for my victories, as was my sensei. But I ended up feeling a bit jealous of the Nikyu I’d beaten, as he had a beautiful girlfriend there, consoling him on his loss. I realized that I had no one who would have had my back. If I’d have lost, my sensei would have been dismissive of me and how I could have let an opponent, who was clearly less proficient than me, win.

Then, I had very mixed feelings even about my win as I watched the disappointment on the face of that beautiful girl as she comforted her paramour. I know that makes me a ‘pussy’ in the minds of some, but it affected me to the core of being, as it does to this day.

That event fundamentally changed me. I’ve never been able to truly enjoy victories over anyone since. After that, I did still compete because it was required in order to advance in rank, and my sensei then (and every one of them since) has pushed me to strive for higher rank. (It looks good, creates prestige for senseis the more and higher ranks are on their student rosters…) I eventually quit Judo altogether because of my ambivalence to competition.

That’s why I eventually switched to Aikido and Tai Chi — no competitions, except with myself to improve my techniques and energy awareness.

I wasn’t practicing martial arts to be a great competitor, but for my long-term health, with practical defensive benefits, knowing that there aren’t any truly safe or secure places or situations in this world.

It’s important to note that I was brought up in an environment of toxic masculinity before it was a topic of social discourse, both at home and in school. Was taught that all of life is a competition and one must be a ‘winner’ to survive. That was prior to my introduction to Eastern Philosophy and my becoming aware of compassion, empathy, and cooperation…

–LE – 7/18/25