Problems in Paradise

Some troubling incidents started to present themselves early in the marriage. Anne wanted to handle our finances, and that was fine with me. So, we had joint checking and savings accounts. We both put our paychecks into the checking account and had 10% moved to the savings account monthly. The problems started to appear every time I checked our balance at the ATM. Savings were always near zero, and the checking balance was never where I thought it should have been, based on my understanding of our bills. When I asked Anne about it, her response was,”Which bills did you not want me to pay?”

Now, a little backtrack: I may have forgotten to mention that Anne was/is a member of a Buddhist Sect, Nichiren Shoshu (I think. Names keep changing. It’s hard to be current). Unfortunately, they are a proselytizing sect of Buddhism. She was sending them money every month, plus buying their publications out of our bill-paying account. Then she was transferring money from our savings to prop up the checking.

I initially encouraged her to practice her ‘meditation’ (chanting) even though I prefered my Zen and Yogic, silent meditation. I thought it was good for her self-discipline. It was also something that her parents were against, since they were ‘devout’ Catholics, at least her mother was, who was also the one who gave Anne and me the most grief over our relationship.

My initial encouragement flagged quickly, as I discovered that her sect was proselytizing, constantly trying to get me to go to their ‘center’ and chant with them. I soon found out that I actually knew more about Buddhism than Anne did, and I wasn’t even Buddhist. We frequently argued about the meaning of the precepts and practice. A typical exchange would conclude with Anne saying I was wrong and she didn’t want to talk about it any more. Then some time later, she’d come in and ‘explain’ to me that she had been right about our disagreement. The problem was that she was now saying exactly what I had argued. But now it was right because one of her friends at the center had said it.

Then, we could never do anything spontaneously in the mornings or evenings if she hadn’t yet done her chanting. Sometimes she’d give in a little, by doing her chanting in the car on our way to wherever it was we happened to be headed. Now, back to the Japan trip.

Just before we moved to the apartment on Hampshire Rd., and around the time Anne realized that she was pregnant, her group decided to visit their headquarters in Japan for ten days. It was going to cost a couple of thousand dollars. We didn’t have it and I wasn’t going to take out a loan for it. Anne spoke to me a week or so before the trip, saying that a couple of her fellow Buddhists had bought her a ticket and she could share their hotel accommodations.

So, she went to Japan. While she was gone, I had to move us from the duplex to the apartment. My dad and my uncle, Gene, helped me make the move. Yes, she had packed up most of her stuff before she left.

That weekend, I also had to go to Michigan to take my Shodan test in Judo. It was both written and physical. Yes, I passed it, and was awarded my first Black Belt.

I think both Kristen and Ian were with their mother and Larry in MO that year.

When Anne got back home, we were pretty much moved into the apartment. She did some rearranging and finished putting her things away.

Then, I discovered that the money for her trip had been a loan from her friends (not a gift) that had to be repaid. It took many months to pay it off. Anne kept saying that she was paying it out of ‘her’ money…’her’ money. I had thought, when we set up the joint accounts, that all the money was ‘our money’. I don’t know if it is just her, or do most women adhere to the idea that the money she brings in is her’s and the money that I bring in is ‘ours’? That was certainly her perspective. And that’s when I opened my own accounts. She did the same in retaliation… So we each contributed to the joint account enough to pay the bills and put the rest in our own accounts.

Then, fate/destiny(?) started throwing monkey wrenches into the mix (more socioeconomic improvisation to come).